Should We Stay Together?

When living apart allows us to stay together

One of the most complicated questions of midlife and beyond isn’t financial, professional, or even health-related.

It’s relational.

Should we stay together?

For much of modern history, marriage was often viewed as a lifelong commitment regardless of happiness. Today, the pendulum has swung in the opposite direction. We live in a culture that celebrates personal fulfillment and encourages us to leave relationships that no longer serve us.

Neither perspective fully captures the complexity of love after 50.

The statistics tell an interesting story. While divorce rates among younger generations have fallen dramatically, the divorce rate among older Americans has risen. According to researchers at Bowling Green State University, people age 50 and older now account for nearly 40 percent of all divorces, up from just 8 percent in 1990.

At the same time, we’re living longer than any generation in history.

That means a couple in their early 60s may realistically be deciding whether to spend another 20, 30, or even 40 years together.

No wonder the stakes feel so high.

Complicating matters further, the Population Reference Bureau projects that the number of Americans age 75 and older without a living spouse will more than double between 2010 and 2030. This is part of the reason MEA’s Golden Girls housing has gained so much attention.

Longevity has transformed relationships into a much longer game than previous generations ever imagined. The question is no longer: “Can I make this marriage last?” It’s often: “Is this the relationship I want for the next third of my life?” And perhaps an equally important question: “Am I expecting one person to provide more than any human being reasonably can?”

Relationship therapist Esther Perel offers an important insight: “When we channel all of our intimate needs into one person, we actually stand to make the relationship more vulnerable.”

Historically, those roles were distributed across a wider community. Perhaps some relationships struggle not because the partnership has failed but because our expectations have become impossible.

This may explain the growing interest in alternative relationship structures among older adults. One model that intrigues me is known as “Living Apart Together,” where committed partners maintain separate homes while preserving emotional intimacy and commitment. This is what my Israeli husband Oren, whose chosen to live in his homeland, and I are exploring.

For some couples, proximity creates connection.

For others, a little distance creates oxygen.

The deeper question isn’t whether a couple shares an address.

It’s whether they share a vision.

I’ve noticed that many midlife relationships aren’t really wrestling with compatibility. They’re wrestling with growth.

One partner is evolving.
The other is evolving.
And the challenge becomes whether they can continue evolving together.

The most successful long-term couples I know aren’t the ones who never changed.

They’re the ones who repeatedly renegotiated the relationship as they changed.

Again and again.

What worked at 35 may not work at 55.

What worked while raising children may not work in an empty nest.

What worked before retirement may not work after it.

The real question may not be: “Should we stay together?” It may be: “Can we create a relationship that honors who we’re becoming?”

Sometimes the answer is yes.

Sometimes the answer is no.

And sometimes the answer lies somewhere in between, in a creative redesign that neither partner could have imagined years earlier.

As we live longer lives, perhaps we need less judgment and more curiosity about the many forms love can take in the second half of life.

Because the goal isn’t simply staying together.

The goal is continuing to come alive—individually and together—while treating one another with honesty, dignity, and grace.